when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
