if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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