Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
