Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
