i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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