Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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