i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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