There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Hello my rib-scented angel!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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