He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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