I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
