Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
