I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Randomize
