Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
