I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
