Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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