rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I intend to get homeless drunk
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
