true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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