it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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