Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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