I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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