went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
