i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He passed out mid-signature
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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