On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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