apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
