its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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