im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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