Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
