His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
