I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
