I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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