Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
