it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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