I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
