He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
