the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
