I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
