I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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