and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
