I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
