barbara walters just said penis...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
