Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
