wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
