I'm going to jail i love you
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
