If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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