I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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