y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
