Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
