You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize