I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
