Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
