apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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