i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
