I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
only if we run a train.
done.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
