They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
