This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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