My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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