No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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