I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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