Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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